What can you expect from me?

I expect I'll do something about the actual football quite soon now, but first it seems only polite to let you know what you' can expect.

First off, I wouldn't expect promptness. The way I write is I knock some paragraphs together like I'm making a marinade, then they have to sit in the fridge for a bit before they can take shape.

Taking shape starts with a vigorous purge. That last metaphor about the marinade, for instance. Landed with an awful clunk, didn't it? Away it goes.

As I was saying. First off, I wouldn't expect promptness. The way I write is I knock some paragraphs together, then they have to sit for a while before they can take shape.

That's still some way off, but it's going in the right direction. As Samuel Beckett said, Ever tried. Ever failed. No matter. Try again. Fail again. Fail better. That's what makes writing fun, and I'm not being paid so you'd better hope I'm enjoying myself.

As I was saying. First off, I wouldn't expect promptness. The way I write is I knock some notes together, then they have to sit for a while before they can take shape.

That was just the same thing, except I changed paragraphs to notes because I'm already saying paragraphs a lot in the next paragraph. And this one, apparently.

After it's marinated [continuity error] After it's sat for a while I read through the first paragraph and tighten up the phrasing, then I read it to myself in my head, listen to the rhythm and try and get the sentences to flow and the paragraph to connect to the next paragraph. I check for typos and look for repeating words like paragraph, at which point I reckon I'm ready to repeat the whole process for the next paragraph. Two or three paragraphs in, I get old man tired and take a break. Paragraph, paragraph, paragraph. Fuck you, paragraph again.

On my return I do the self same thing, starting again at the beginning. This time I get slightly further. Eventually, thirty to forty iterations in, I've got right to the end often enough so I feel like I can settle. You have to settle at some point, it's always the worst moment in the whole process but you have to anyway, if only because you aren't really seeing or hearing it any more so you'll only make things worse.

You can see three things from this. Firstly, the opening paragraphs are going to be massively overworked. Secondly, I am very much a hobbyist rather than a professional. Thirdly, I am definitely not your best source of rapid fire World Cup news. I am constantly in awe of the kind of journalist that can produce readable text on demand at the first go. It's a brilliant skill, but not one of mine.

So not prompt then. Neither am I always rigorously on-topic, on-brand or any of the other ons. These are all things you can't expect from me.

So far I've promised to tell you what you can expect from me, but then told you all the things you can't expect from me. This is exactly the kind of thing you can expect from me.

Beyond that, the main thing you can expect is digression. The great thing about not being paid is that you can do what the hell you like, so if I want to compare a penalty shoot out to Hector and Achilles or turn a top quality save into a speculative piece about free will then who is to tell me no? You? Don't be impertinent.

I am trying to be the best at this that I can be though. The hope is that by making the whole thing all about me it might at least be authentically me, if nothing else. More about the futility of hope coming up I expect.

I should probably say something about the tournament at some point. I can feel something about continental rivalry coming on, by which I mean I've written something about continental rivalry and worked on the first paragraph thirty seven times and the last one about twice. Watch this space.