Two dreary days

Have you heard of Russell's Paradox? It's a philosophical problem that dates from May 1901. Bertrand Russell found it quite by accident while he was looking for something else, and realised it destroyed his earlier work on set theory. He spent the next few days in a state of absolute despair over it, and wrote a letter to a friend in which he described how miserable he was, how clearly he understood that nothing fundamental to human existence had happened and it was really silly being that miserable, and how little that helped. The dreary days are a lot like that.

I should explain, or rather I shouldn't and we've both got better things to be doing and yet here I am writing my explanation and here you are reading it. Let us begin with the first World Cup fact, which is that it ends in disappointment for nearly everyone. For nearly everyone, by which I mean the whole world except for one country, there is a moment when the full time whistle blows and we face up to the two dreary days. We know how they will be, we've done them before often enough.

Even if you're lucky enough to be a citizen of the one country, you know you've only staved off the inevitable. The last nation to win the World Cup twice in a row was Brazil, in 1958 and 1962. Three in a row has never happened. Your time will come.

The time came for the Cook Islands on September 6 2024, when Tonga beat them 3-1 and ended their World Cup qualification dream. For Italy it came on March 31st this year, when Bosnia beat them in the playoff final. Bosnia were not excused the dreary days, of course. They were knocked out by the USA last Thursday.

Italy, though, have now missed out on three World Cups in a row, unprecedented for a country which has won it four times. You have to be in it to win it, and Italy seem to have forgotten how to be in it. The first two days in April must have been very dreary for them indeed.

At least they'll be over it by now, though. Someone is going to lose the final on July 19th, and their fans will be spending July 20th simultaneously processing the loss and adjusting to a world without a World Cup happening.

So the first World Cup fact is that despair is inevitable. The second is that every fan is prepared, and the third is that every England fan is doubly prepared. Our dreary national character helps, and most of us are dreary veterans, having been through this every two years if you include the European Championships. We enjoyed the Croatia game, but we've seen how good France are, and Spain, and Brazil and Argentina. We've looked ahead, and calculated that to win the World Cup we would have to beat Mexico, then probably Brazil, Argentina and France in that order. This isn't impossible, but it's less likely than getting across no man's land at the Somme without being hit by any of the machine guns.

At this point I have to think of my readers. Many of you know little of sports pain, and I worry that I may have dragged you into it without warning. In recompense, here is a guide to the dreary days. It's cold out, but hold out, and do like I do.

If you've done match day properly then the first few dreary hours are partially anaesthetised by alcohol. It's traditional to stay drunk until bedtime, but dread sobriety lays in wait and the morning after is best not spent outside. Children cry on the school run, grown men resort to monosyllables in situations where they might ordinarily take a view, flags droop sadly on the bonnets of cars. There is no defence against it beyond gritted teeth and the passage of time.

The second day is easier, although foolish people will tell you to get over it and directing them to Bertrand Russell will not help. The earlier England get knocked out the better, in some ways, because at least you can take comfort in the amount of World Cup that's still left. England fans have never had to cope with a lost World Cup Final, although two European Championship finals under Gareth Southgate have left us with some idea how that goes. I have to say that I would much rather deal with England losing and the World Cup being over as two separate events.

The second dreary afternoon turns into dreary dinner time soon enough, and if I was you I would have a stew. Make one in advance and freeze it, you won't feel like cooking when you're dreary. Get an early night and you're basically there. If you're still dreary on the third day then you need to pull yourself together and get on with your life. It's only a pissing game.

England play late tonight, so tomorrow may or not be a dreary day. Whenever it comes I will be ready.